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Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Wipe Your Ass With A Stick!



Alright, I know this one has been abused on just about every blog out there. But you know what? I'm rusty and don't give a shit at this point. This one is just so easy!

As Seen On TV revolutionary products have changed our lives in many ways. You now have a knife that can cut through an aluminum can without dulling or clean your tongue with a tongue sweeper (Yes, sliding razor sharp steel across your delicate tongue is revolutionary). But nothing tops this one.

It's called the Comfort Wipe!

It is an ingenious design that allows you to wipe your ass with toilet paper on a stick. So you never have to wipe your ass the old fashioned way and get that little bit of fecal matter on your hand(I know you sniff it!). Instead, you will just smear it on a Chinese manufactured plastic like material.

Now now, don't get all sensitive on me. I know there are people out there that could really use a device like this but jesus christ, it's not featured in Thyroid Deficiency Times magazine. It's on national television (I think)!

I could go on and on but why don't you see for yourself!






[Fark Video]

Monday, June 15, 2009

First Twitter Post!

Check the top right corner for a new "Latreen Post." I will start every official post as "Latreen Post" with a "tinyurl." Just click the link to see the article.


Check back for more!

And we're back...


(At least he's excited)

Hello Faithful Readers!

If anyone still checks The Latreen of course. Anyway, work has consumed quite a bit of my time and I have not cruised the net much at all. Not like I used to anyway.

So I have been trying to figure out a way that I can keep the readers entertained. I think I may have found the answer:

Twitter!

In the top right corner of the page is "The Latreen Live Feed." I will send tweets with links and it will show up in the corner. I will try to keep several going a day so make sure you keep checking back!

Also, come follow me on twitter!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

The Garden Update!

A special someone and I decided to take a trip to the garden store this weekend and added a few new editions to our urban garden.

Instead of trying to plant them in a standard pot (The patio rail blocks a lot of sun)I finally took the leap and got the Topsy Turvy! I must say, these are pretty cool but it will be awhile before I can give an accurate review.

Below are some pictures of my activities today. Tune in again for more!


{Husky Cherry Red 3/22/2009}




{Husky Cherry Red 3/22/2009}




{Better Boy 3/22/2009}




{Better Boy Macro Shot 3/22/2009}




-Johnny Dangerously






Spring Time!



Well my friends, spring has finally arrived. We have been through a tough and brutal winter and I'm not just speaking about the weather. Our economy hit it's lowest point this winter and our president spent like a drunken sailor. We printed $1.2trillion dollars just last week...

But I digress, the weather is warming up, the sun is starting to shine and the birds are starting to sing. I get a surge of energy and excitement this time of year because it's time to plant the garden!

Since I do not have a yard, I will be forced to do a lot of indoor/porch growing in pots which poses a bit of a challenge. There isn't a place in my apartment that gets full sun but I'm going to give it a shot.

To start things off, I planted seeds of the following plants in organic soil:

-Catnip
-Italian Parsley
-Sweet Basil
-Chives
-Rosemary

The parsley and chives are new seeds while the others are from last season. I just froze them.

I will keep this updated with the progress of the garden if your interested at all. If anyone else is doing a garden also, let me now and we can put some of your pictures on here.

Enjoy!


{3/21/2009}




{3/21/2009}




{3/21/2009}





-Johnny Dangerously




Monday, February 9, 2009

Story Time! 2

Drop Dead


Chapter 2


“Jeffrey, where the fuck is my coffee?” I said with obvious agitation in my voice.

Where the fuck is that piece of shit? What the fuck do I pay him for? I swear to god I'm going to fire his ass tonight.

“I'm pouring it now sir!” replied Jeffrey sounding frantic.

Sitting at the glass table, I could see him head my way with a cup of coffee in his hand. He had a rush to his stride as he passed through a marble hallway. I wonder if he ever admires the works of art I have on the wall in the hallway. He probably has no idea who the artists are and could probably care less. Sometimes I feel that this schmuck doesn't realize how good he has it.

“Here you go sir, I'm very sorry that you had to wait. I had to wash the inside of the coffee maker as it had gotten dirty. It won't happen again, I can assure you that.” he said as he finished with a smile.

“Fine, do you have this morning's WSJ? I swear to god if those journalist pigs wrote about our 4th quarter loss...” I said while I could feel my face heating up. It's way to fucking early to be this stressed.

“Yes sir, let me go fetch it.”

I have a meeting friday with Paulson at the treasury building. That mother fucker is supposed to talk to me about some additional money he will funnel to us if we go ahead with the merger. The fucking merger. What a fucking mess. John, our CEO has already been to the hospital twice this week because his heart was fluttering, causing him to almost pass out.

“Well, your not on the front page sir.” Jeffrey said while handing me the paper.

“Probably the only good thing that will happen today.” I replied.

I heard some rustling up stairs, probably my wife. That's my queue to get the fuck out of here. I don't want to see that wench this early. Her face looks like a fish skull in the morning.

“Alright Jeffrey, I need to get to the Ritz to meet with Sanders and get some breakfast. Make sure you have everything ready for the kids before they wake up. They don't need to be fucking late again.” I said.

“No problem sir, all is taken care of. Enjoy our day.” he replied.

“Ha, yeah right.” I said as I made my way to the front door.

The cool morning felt good on my face, since it was moist from sweating this morning. The hot coffee didn't help matters. I made my way to the garage to get in my new mercedes. Fucking v12 in that car. It's a piece of art in it's own right.

I sat in the drivers seat, admiring the feeling of the cool leather that shaped to my body. As I sat, there was a small swoosh sound, which is very satisfying.

As the car turned on, I was overwhelmed with the sound and feeling of the engine starting. It felt like you were sitting on the voice-box of a growling pitbul. Ferocious yet as delicate and precise as the sound of a wave hitting the beach. Speaking of, I need to go on a fucking vacation soon.

I arrived at the ritz parking deck and handed the keys over to the vale. That little shit better not fuck with my car. You should have seen how big his eyes got when I pulled up. That little fucker is going to take it for a spin, I can feel it.

“Be careful with his one, young man. If anything happens to it I promise that I will break your legs. Have a good day.” I said with a stern look. Then I tossed him the keys.

I made my way through the revolving door and took a few steps in the lobby when my blackberry went off. Fishing through my pocket, I finally grasped it and brought the screen where I could see it.

It was Doug, one of my guys working on every detail of the merger. He helps make sure we don't get fucked on this deal but seeing that he was calling me this early made my stomach queasy. Something was wrong.

“Hi Doug, what's up?” I answered.

Just as Doug started to speak, I noticed a little puppy taking a shit on the floor. Fucking great, I'm not going to be able to eat after smelling that pile of shit. I have a weird thing with smells, they stick with me for hours. Dog shit doesn't help with my appetite.

“Wait, what?” I said into the phone.

Doug was going on about some new bad assets he discovered last night that weren't reported to us yet in our discussions with the company we were going to merge with. The bad assets we did know about were enough to convince me this is a horrible fucking deal. And still there are even more. Our fucking shareholders are going to sell like its the great depression.

To make matters worse, their CEO is being a complete ass. Even though we are saving his fucking company, he is still such a greedy fuck. He's been pushing to get a majority role in anyway that he can. He just doesn't get it.

“They can kiss my ass if they think we will do this merger without my 60% ownership. We are saving their asses! Their shareholders will have their heads on a fucking stick!” I screamed into the phone.

“Listen Doug, I'm about to meet a client so I can't talk about this right now. Find out everything you can and I will see you in a couple hours.” I said then hung up the phone.

What a fucking day this is going to be.


-Johnny

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Fat Bitch OWNED!




Thought you might enjoy this :-)