Wipe Your Ass With A Stick!

Alright, I know this one has been abused on just about every blog out there. But you know what? I'm rusty and don't give a shit at this point. This one is just so easy!

As Seen On TV revolutionary products have changed our lives in many ways. You now have a knife that can cut through an aluminum can without dulling or clean your tongue with a tongue sweeper (Yes, sliding razor sharp steel across your delicate tongue is revolutionary). But nothing tops this one.

It's called the Comfort Wipe!

It is an ingenious design that allows you to wipe your ass with toilet paper on a stick. So you never have to wipe your ass the old fashioned way and get that little bit of fecal matter on your hand(I know you sniff it!). Instead, you will just smear it on a Chinese manufactured plastic like material.

Now now, don't get all sensitive on me. I know there are people out there that could really use a device like this but jesus christ, it's not featured in Thyroid Deficiency Times magazine. It's on national television (I think)!

I could go on and on but why don't you see for yourself!

[Fark Video]

First Twitter Post!

Check the top right corner for a new "Latreen Post." I will start every official post as "Latreen Post" with a "tinyurl." Just click the link to see the article.


Check back for more!

And we're back...

(At least he's excited)

Hello Faithful Readers!

If anyone still checks The Latreen of course. Anyway, work has consumed quite a bit of my time and I have not cruised the net much at all. Not like I used to anyway.

So I have been trying to figure out a way that I can keep the readers entertained. I think I may have found the answer:

Twitter!

In the top right corner of the page is "The Latreen Live Feed." I will send tweets with links and it will show up in the corner. I will try to keep several going a day so make sure you keep checking back!

Also, come follow me on twitter!

The Garden Update!

A special someone and I decided to take a trip to the garden store this weekend and added a few new editions to our urban garden.

Instead of trying to plant them in a standard pot (The patio rail blocks a lot of sun)I finally took the leap and got the Topsy Turvy! I must say, these are pretty cool but it will be awhile before I can give an accurate review.

Below are some pictures of my activities today. Tune in again for more!

{Husky Cherry Red 3/22/2009}




{Husky Cherry Red 3/22/2009}




{Better Boy 3/22/2009}




{Better Boy Macro Shot 3/22/2009}

-Johnny Dangerously

Spring Time!

Well my friends, spring has finally arrived. We have been through a tough and brutal winter and I'm not just speaking about the weather. Our economy hit it's lowest point this winter and our president spent like a drunken sailor. We printed $1.2trillion dollars just last week...

But I digress, the weather is warming up, the sun is starting to shine and the birds are starting to sing. I get a surge of energy and excitement this time of year because it's time to plant the garden!

Since I do not have a yard, I will be forced to do a lot of indoor/porch growing in pots which poses a bit of a challenge. There isn't a place in my apartment that gets full sun but I'm going to give it a shot.

To start things off, I planted seeds of the following plants in organic soil:

-Catnip
-Italian Parsley
-Sweet Basil
-Chives
-Rosemary

The parsley and chives are new seeds while the others are from last season. I just froze them.

I will keep this updated with the progress of the garden if your interested at all. If anyone else is doing a garden also, let me now and we can put some of your pictures on here.

Enjoy!

{3/21/2009}




{3/21/2009}




{3/21/2009}

-Johnny Dangerously

Story Time! 2

Drop Dead

Chapter 2

“Jeffrey, where the fuck is my coffee?” I said with obvious agitation in my voice.

Where the fuck is that piece of shit? What the fuck do I pay him for? I swear to god I'm going to fire his ass tonight.

“I'm pouring it now sir!” replied Jeffrey sounding frantic.

Sitting at the glass table, I could see him head my way with a cup of coffee in his hand. He had a rush to his stride as he passed through a marble hallway. I wonder if he ever admires the works of art I have on the wall in the hallway. He probably has no idea who the artists are and could probably care less. Sometimes I feel that this schmuck doesn't realize how good he has it.

“Here you go sir, I'm very sorry that you had to wait. I had to wash the inside of the coffee maker as it had gotten dirty. It won't happen again, I can assure you that.” he said as he finished with a smile.

“Fine, do you have this morning's WSJ? I swear to god if those journalist pigs wrote about our 4th quarter loss...” I said while I could feel my face heating up. It's way to fucking early to be this stressed.

“Yes sir, let me go fetch it.”

I have a meeting friday with Paulson at the treasury building. That mother fucker is supposed to talk to me about some additional money he will funnel to us if we go ahead with the merger. The fucking merger. What a fucking mess. John, our CEO has already been to the hospital twice this week because his heart was fluttering, causing him to almost pass out.

“Well, your not on the front page sir.” Jeffrey said while handing me the paper.

“Probably the only good thing that will happen today.” I replied.

I heard some rustling up stairs, probably my wife. That's my queue to get the fuck out of here. I don't want to see that wench this early. Her face looks like a fish skull in the morning.

“Alright Jeffrey, I need to get to the Ritz to meet with Sanders and get some breakfast. Make sure you have everything ready for the kids before they wake up. They don't need to be fucking late again.” I said.

“No problem sir, all is taken care of. Enjoy our day.” he replied.

“Ha, yeah right.” I said as I made my way to the front door.

The cool morning felt good on my face, since it was moist from sweating this morning. The hot coffee didn't help matters. I made my way to the garage to get in my new mercedes. Fucking v12 in that car. It's a piece of art in it's own right.

I sat in the drivers seat, admiring the feeling of the cool leather that shaped to my body. As I sat, there was a small swoosh sound, which is very satisfying.

As the car turned on, I was overwhelmed with the sound and feeling of the engine starting. It felt like you were sitting on the voice-box of a growling pitbul. Ferocious yet as delicate and precise as the sound of a wave hitting the beach. Speaking of, I need to go on a fucking vacation soon.

I arrived at the ritz parking deck and handed the keys over to the vale. That little shit better not fuck with my car. You should have seen how big his eyes got when I pulled up. That little fucker is going to take it for a spin, I can feel it.

“Be careful with his one, young man. If anything happens to it I promise that I will break your legs. Have a good day.” I said with a stern look. Then I tossed him the keys.

I made my way through the revolving door and took a few steps in the lobby when my blackberry went off. Fishing through my pocket, I finally grasped it and brought the screen where I could see it.

It was Doug, one of my guys working on every detail of the merger. He helps make sure we don't get fucked on this deal but seeing that he was calling me this early made my stomach queasy. Something was wrong.

“Hi Doug, what's up?” I answered.

Just as Doug started to speak, I noticed a little puppy taking a shit on the floor. Fucking great, I'm not going to be able to eat after smelling that pile of shit. I have a weird thing with smells, they stick with me for hours. Dog shit doesn't help with my appetite.

“Wait, what?” I said into the phone.

Doug was going on about some new bad assets he discovered last night that weren't reported to us yet in our discussions with the company we were going to merge with. The bad assets we did know about were enough to convince me this is a horrible fucking deal. And still there are even more. Our fucking shareholders are going to sell like its the great depression.

To make matters worse, their CEO is being a complete ass. Even though we are saving his fucking company, he is still such a greedy fuck. He's been pushing to get a majority role in anyway that he can. He just doesn't get it.

“They can kiss my ass if they think we will do this merger without my 60% ownership. We are saving their asses! Their shareholders will have their heads on a fucking stick!” I screamed into the phone.

“Listen Doug, I'm about to meet a client so I can't talk about this right now. Find out everything you can and I will see you in a couple hours.” I said then hung up the phone.

What a fucking day this is going to be.


-Johnny

Fat Bitch OWNED!

Thought you might enjoy this :-)

You will like my smelly feet!!!

(Yummy...)

Is it bad to wish that some people in this world would wrap their car around a telephone pole? You know, speed up the social darwinian process?

Well, that's how I feel about Teunis Tenbrook, a student who attended classes at a Netherland university.

He was banned from his classes because his feet smelled sooo bad. Banned from class! Apparently his feet smelled so bad that it was distracting to professors and students.

Ok, so this guy has smelly feet and everyone knows it. What is the next logical step for him to take?

Wash his feet? Put shoes on? Foot odor spray?

Of course not! He spent TEN FUCKING YEARS fighting the decision in the courts. So that's ten years he wasn't going to school. Bright guy.

Did he win? NO! "The school said its new policy is to fine smelly students rather than ban them from classes." Alright Teunis, you better cough some cash up!



Do you feel that justice has been served? Voice your opinion in the comments section.



[UPI.com]

Browse the iTunes store from your browser

For those of you who use iTunes as your music player/manager, please leave this page. This post is not for you.

For those of us that don't use iTunes or have replaced it (Songbird!), then I have some great news for you. If you have had a chance to play with the iTunes store, then you realize that it's fucking great! Everything is organized so well and the amount of content is just ridiculous. Well that resource is right at your fingertips, no matter what computer your using.

The iTunes Store can be accessed through your browser just by visiting this website.

Enjoy!


[iTunes Store]

Craigslist + Cracked.com = The funniest top 10 list ever...

(Don't worry ladies, he's "Orally Talented")

I have written several posts about Cracked.com articles but this one surely tops them all. They found the time to scour the Craigslist Personals section to find the 10 most sexually unappealing Craigslist postings.

I will warn you now that these are not only disgusting but actually real. That's right, real people wrote these in order to find a casual encounter or two.

There really isn't much I can say, just read the article.

[Cracked.com]

The New Macbook Wheel

We all love Apple computers don't we? Hell, I'm writing this post on one right now!

Ok, so we all may not like Apple computers as much as the guy up there but they still come out with some pretty neat and innovative products. Apple has surely outdone themselves this time.

They have introduced a new laptop called the Macbook Wheel. What's that?

It's the first laptop computer without a keyboard! That's right! No keyboard!

How would I type? some of you might ask. Well why don't you watch the below video to find out!

Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard

***Disclaimer: If you actually thought this was real, then please do us all a favor and go kill yourself. :-)***

Story Time!

Drop Dead

Chapter One:

The air is cold and moist this morning. The wind isn't very strong, which is strange on a day like this in the city.

I push through a revolving door to the Ritz Hotel in downtown Chicago. The lobby is buzzing with activity from bellhops asking customers which room they are in to business men in suits blabbing on their cell phone.

“They can kiss my ass if they think we will do this merger without my 60% ownership. We are saving their asses! Their shareholders will have their heads on a fucking stick!” one man screamed into his Blackberry. A big sweaty vein was popping out of his forehead. How long will that guy live, I wondered. Do his kids ever see him? Guess someone has to pay the mortgage.

I make my way over the short, burgundy pattered carpet to the front desk. An attractive young woman with straight platinum blonde hair and lightly tanned skinned immediately gave me attention.

“Welcome to the Ritz. How can I help you this morning, sir?” she said in a very uppity innocent tone.

“I'll take a room on the top floor if it's available. I really love a great view,” I said with a smile.

“Not a problem, let me see what we have available.”

She began typing very fast on her keyboard. No ring, I noticed. What is a piece of ass like this doing without a hubby? She must be in her late 20's. Guess she hasn't met the richest guy in the room yet. Who can blame her with the amount of money floating around this part of town.

While she was looking for my room, I turned around to notice a family of three talking to a bellhop while he loaded his bronze cart with their suitcases. You could see the excitement in all of their faces as it looks like they were just about to start their vacation. A young boy, maybe ten years old, was holding a red leash with a chocolate lab puppy on the other end. While they were distracted with the bellhop, the dog started sniffing the carpet intensely. It then squatted down, curling its back, and dropped a big pile of steaming hot shit. The Dad immediately turned red and smacked the dog on the butt yelling, “No, bad boy!”

The dogs tail went between it's legs while it hunkered under a nearby chair. Well at least as far as the leash would allow. A mexican janitor instantly headed towards the scene with a broom and dust pan. The shit people will do for a couple bucks.

“Sir, we do have a room on the top floor above 23rd street. Will this be okay for you?” the beautiful girl behind the desk said.

“That will work just fine. Thank you.” I replied.

“Will you be paying by credit card?”

“No, cash if that's okay?” I said with another smile on my face. My mind kept racing through the things that I would do to her.

“Of course sir. May I see your ID?” she said with a cute little smirk.

“Here you go.” I said as I handed her a fake Nebraska drivers license.

She studied it for just a minute then handed it back saying, “Thank you, Mr. Williams.”

I noticed her deep red nail polish which really accented her delicate, soft skin.

“The room will be $210 dollars a night with pay per view access. How long will you be staying?”

“Just one night, Miss,” I replied.

“Great, here is your room key. Just insert it in the slot and pull the handle down. There will be a complimentary 3 course breakfast in the morning and dial 0 on the phone to reach room service. Is there anything else that I can do for you this morning?” she said looking up at me with doe eyes.

“That will be all, thank you for your help. Have a nice day.” I replied with a wink.

She signaled over to her right and a pimple-faced late teen arrived within seconds to pick up my bags. I immediately grabbed the handle of my big duffle bag and said, “I'll take it from here.” as I handed him a $20 bill. He smiled while nodding his head and said, “Thank you sir!”

I made my way toward the elevator dodging people as I went. I reached forward and pressed the up arrow on a fingerprint smeared button. A small ding sounded and the bronze doors opened with a fat couple standing inside. They slowly waddled their way past me bringing with them a small, onion smelling breeze. My nose scrunched up while I could feel my throat tighten. Fucking wastes of space.

I pressed the level 18 button and waiting while the doors shut. As they closed, the chattering sound of the lobby became an abrupt silence. The elevator began moving upwards as my body felt an invisible weight push down on me for a second.

While approaching the tenth floor, all the momentum of the elevator came to a halt. The doors opened and a middle aged man in a Dallas Cowboys jacket entered the elevator while eating an apple. He nodded in my direction and headed for the level dial. He pushed the lobby button and stood behind me chomping on his apple. I could hear his teeth pierce the soft body of the apple with every bite. As he chewed, his mouth would open every other bite. This made a wet clucking sound which instantly made my blood boil. To make matters worse, he breathed with his mouth because of an obvious stuffed nose. Out of anger, I slowly reached my hand into my coat pocket to feel the coarse body of a .32 pistol. It was loaded with a round in the chamber.

I loosened my grip on the messenger of death and came to my senses. This would fuck up my plan. Plus this asshole would probably scream, alerting everyone. I hope this guy rots in hell.

Finally I arrived at my floor and made my way towards the room. I swiped my room key and opened the door to a dark yet clean smelling room. Ah, my new office.


-Johnny

I'm Back! Sort of...

Hello Faithful Readers,

Or really, the few friends I have left that will take a look at the page to make me feel good about myself haha.

I think I'm going to take another stab at this blogging thing but with a twist. Sure I will try to put some funny/imformative posts that you have grown to love but I think I might add something to the mix.

In my off time I enjoy writing short stories. I'm definitely not the best writer by any means but I really do enjoy it. So here is my experiment:

I have started writing a story that I would like to turn into a book someday and the thing that I need the most is motivation. I'm going to try to publish perhaps a chapter every week or two on The Latreen so hopefully my readers will want to come back for more. Getting some feedback would be icing on the cake.

Either way, keep your eye on The Latreen and hopefully I won't let you down again!



Sincerely,

Johnny